a work in process that needs criticism!

[Maya]

Tree arms spread elegantly over my eyes
over sky over cloud over nice fresh oxygen
an emotional wreck that screams and coddles lives inside
down by the door with springs in the back

Grasp the sky you trees
because we cannot

[Mandii]

I think using punctuation would be a great help. Like this:

Tree arms spread elegantly over my eyes,
over sky,
over cloud,
over nice, fresh oxygen.
An emotional wreck that screams and coddles lives inside,
down by the door with springs in the back.

Grasp the sky, you trees...
Because we cannot.

...At least, that's how I would have formatted it :) Everyone has their own style. This is just my opinion. :)

[Maya]

thanks! that's actually better

[Charlie Sprenkle]

Grasp the sky you treeys because we can not
lost in a place that time forgot
I was a slave or the soul survivor of the radio wars
dimonds in the sky
she was sick with glamour
I was nothing more than a male whore
his cock was hard and I knew he craved it like the fresh oxygen
an emotional wreak that screamed for oblivion
now and then I seek the end
I shot my father in the head
bent my mother over the bed

I don't know it seems like you just started it
What are you trying to say
" words assmeble words be quick, words resemble walking sticks, plant them and they will grow"-jim morrison
you talk about a door opening
where does it go???
maybe that would be an idea to help sculpt your poem

[Maya]

thats a good point, i think most of the things i write end up without a point lol i just don't know how to really get it across...
what i was going for was the idea of humans trying to understand their world through the cosmos. so i used the trees. the door i meant as a door to human nature beyond the mask of social order...
but i definitely understand what you mean...i'll try to fix it
thanks! :)